photo{Completely unrelated but beautiful photo of summertime.}

Lately I’ve been feeling that my posts have lacked a little bit of depth, that they’ve been surface-y and lackluster. Have you been picking up on that, too? Having a blog is a strange thing. There are boundaries to what I will and will not share on this site; I don’t post personal details about my marriage, family dynamics, disagreements, and things that are not mine to share. As a rule of thumb, I try to sit on and process most important life events for quite some time before blogging about them. I don’t mind sharing personal stories and information on E&C, I just like to be sure that I’m comfortable with what I do decide to share.

Since August, I’ve been sitting on a post that I’ve been debating whether or not to share. It’s personal, certainly, but I think God gives us life experiences so we can share them with others. After all, the Body of Christ is about community, right? And what good are our experiences if they are never used to help and encourage others, to connect and relate with those in similar situations.

Joe and I have been married about 2 1/2 years. By most standards we got married young (at the age of 23) and knew that we wanted to wait at least 4 to 5 years before ever thinking about having kiddos. Joe will be the first to tell you that he can’t wait to be a dad someday, but we wanted plenty of time to travel, get further along in our careers, be puppy parents and manage our schedules as we pleased. Side note: Being a young married couple is the best. Stay up late watching Prison Break marathons on Hulu Plus? Slumber party on the couch for the night? Late night ice cream runs and sleeping in on the weekends? Amazing.

However, all our perfectly-laid plans got shaken up in July when I (very unexpectedly) found out I was pregnant. Joe and I were not trying and the whole thing took us by surprise. There was a lot of disbelief, some fear and nervousness and eventually a lot of excitement. So many times in life I’ve seen how God takes our plans and shakes them up to make room for something better he has planned. We both figured that although it wasn’t exactly our timing, God’s timing must be better.

After the initial shock wore off I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear about the whole thing. Since we weren’t trying, I wasn’t exactly primed for baby making. Drinking wine, drinking coffee like it was water, long and excessively hot summer tennis matches, taking Retin A for my skin, you name it. For some reason, I couldn’t shake the fear that I was going to miscarry this baby. I tried to brush off the nagging feeling, but it wouldn’t go away.

I went in for my first doctor’s appointment with a nurse practitioner at around the 8 week mark. Since I have always had slightly irregular/long cycles, the nurse practitioner decided to do an ultrasound to accurately date my pregnancy. Since it was just supposed to be a routine exam, pap smear, blood work and not a lot else, I figured it was okay to go while Joe was out of town on a work trip. When the nurse practitioner suggested doing an ultrasound I was surprised but also excited, as I suppose any mom-to-be would be.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and warm. She quickly pointed out our baby to me and took measurements. From her estimation, I was measuring around the 7 week mark instead of 8, which didn’t surprise me since my cycles sometimes varied and I hadn’t been doing any type of charting. However, her demeanor changed from warm and friendly to quiet and cool when she found the heart beat. When I first heard the heart beat I thought it was my own since it was so slow. I didn’t know a lot about babies and being pregnant, but I was pretty sure that heart beats at that stage are supposed to be much faster than the chug I heard on the monitor. The tech quickly printed off photos for me and told me to head back to the nurse practitioner’s office to chat without further explanation.

The doctor proceeded to inform me that our baby’s heart beat was, as I thought, pretty low, somewhere in the 85 beats per minute range. Although she tried not to alarm me, saying that it didn’t necessarily mean anything horrible, she did say that she wanted to see me back in a week. The low heart beat could mean that I was about to miscarry. In retrospect, I really wish the nurse practitioner would have given me a bit more information. I know she wasn’t trying to scare me, but leaving me without much information only drove me to the internet to do more scary research. Another side note: Stay away from the internet when it comes to pregnancy related issues. There is an extreme story on both sides of the spectrum for any scenario you can think of.

Two days before I was scheduled to go back to the doctor’s office, I started feeling some severe cramping. Although I wasn’t bleeding at all, it was enough that I felt the need to call the doctor. They did another ultrasound and confirmed that the heart was no longer beating and I had, indeed, miscarried. The timing was less than idea, with Joe away on a work trip. Although he said he would drop everything and come home, I told him not to take PTO. (Maybe it sounds silly, but I was insistent that he save his PTO time for a happy occasion.)

My amazing mom made the trip up in his place and sat with me, let me mourn and did loads and loads of laundry while I laid on the couch. I have never been so thankful for a woman like her with an amazing servant’s heart!

I know that miscarriage is incredibly common (well, that’s what the internet tells me) but I was shocked at the lack of stories I have heard from women who have personally gone through such an experience. After I miscarried I desperately wanted to read and hear stories from other women who had experienced miscarriage and gone on to have healthy, happy pregnancies. The whole experience has a way of making you feel fearful, hopeless and, if you’re not careful, it can make you question/blame yourself. I was very ill prepared for the physical and emotional toll that it would take on me, but man it’s no joke. Aside from the emotional grief I felt, the physical and hormonal healing process was just as hard.

Today, three months after the fact, I can say that I feel much more at peace with what has happened that I did in month to two months following. It took some serious time to process what I experienced and come to grip with the fact that God does have a plan for our family in His perfect timing. Although I can’t claim to know what His plan is right now, I have to believe that being able to bring this experience in front of others and share with you all what we’ve gone through is part of that plan.

I’m still fearful about what the future holds, but I’m working that out with God right now. Do we want kids in the near future or do we want to wait a while, like originally planned? I don’t know. Although miscarriage is completely normal and common even among healthy women, I still fear the worst-case scenarios. Does it mean that we have a long journey ahead of us along a rocky road? I’m not sure of that, either. What I do know is that I have seen God work in amazing and unexpected ways, and I’m choosing to trust that His plan is the best plan for our family. I’m working on getting to a place in my heart where I can say that it is well with my soul.

-Madison

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  • http://www.keepitsweetdesserts.com/ Lauren at Keep It Sweet

    Aw, Madison, I wish I could give you a huge hug! Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve also heard that miscarriages are very common but I’m sure there are so many people dealing with the emotions that will find your story helpful and hopeful. I hope that you and Joe have a healthy and happy baby when you decide you are ready to try!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Lauren! I appreciate your sweet words so much. Your hug is felt even from thousands of miles away. :)

  • Naomi

    Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and I can’t even begin to imagine all the emotion surrounding the whole thing. I will be thinking of you!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Naomi! I appreciate your comment and thoughts so much!

  • Mel

    Thanks you for sharing this, Madison. *hug* I’ve never given birth (or miscarried), but my sister-in-law has had 9 healthy babies and one miscarriage over the last 14 1/2 years. The miscarriage was between babies 6 and 7, and was also around the 7/8 week mark. She needed some time to grieve that baby and to heal, but she’s had three healthy babies since then with no complications. I don’t know if that will help at all, but I wanted to share just in case.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Mel, for the encouraging story! Hearing stories of women who have miscarried but also had plenty of healthy pregnancies is so uplifting to me and really gives me hope that Joe and I will go on to have plenty of healthy kiddos one day. :)

  • Brittaney

    My heart goes out to you Madison. Miscarriage is such a difficult thing. Unfortunately having also gone through one at 9 weeks I all too well know the pain and heart ache that can go along with it. Even 7 months out and happily pregnant, it’s still something I’m working through. And while I can say I’m at peace (only by the hand of God) fear is something that is not easy to shake and has its way of creeping on. Thank you so much for sharing as miscarriage really is so common, but tends to be taboo to talk about. And my prayer for you and Joe is that you will have healthy, wonderful, amazing pregnancy and baby in your future!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you, Brittaney! Your posts and willingness to share about your experience on your blog was so encouraging to me while I was going through this experience. Thank YOU for having the courage to share your story and for being an encouragement to me. So happy to see how God is working through you and how he has blessed you and your family!

  • Brittney

    Madison,
    I’ve enjoyed your blog silently for a while but felt compelled to thank you for sharing this. I’m just a year married myself & it sounds like we have the same mentality on enjoying time alone with our spouses before adding kids to the mix, but your story definitely can happen to me or any one of us! My mother got pregnant much sooner into my parents’ marriage than they had planned, but then she, too, miscarried relatively early on. While she was devastated, she has me and my brother to show as miracles after her devastation. I’m sure you and Joe will make gorgeous babies when the time is right, and later on you’ll be able to share the lessons and wisdom this has taught you.
    Blessings!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much for sharing that story, Brittney! Hearing stories from women who know others who have miscarried and gone on to have healthy, happy pregnancies is so encouraging to me at this time. Although we didn’t think we were ready for kids yet, finding out you are pregnant really gets you in that mindset quickly, only to have things change suddenly yet again. Thanks again for your sweet comment!

  • natalie

    oh, Madison, thank you so much for sharing this! it’s so affirming to hear that God has allowed you to begin to feel peace about this now. and I admire and respect you sharing this on a blog mostly about cooking + the fun things in life. it’s a valuable part of your testimony, and this is a good stage on which to share it! and you better believe I am supportive of whatever decisions you make about adding kids to your little family!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you, Natalie! I was so encouraged by your bold writing this last month on your own blog. Although I had been thinking about writing about the miscarriage for a while, it wasn’t until I really had time to process it and put thoughts down that I felt bold enough to share in hopes that it would be encouraging or comforting to others going through something similar.

  • Heather Disarro

    I heard something shortly after I miscarried that has stuck with me for whatever reason: that it’s like this sick little club that no one really knows about until it happens to you. I have shared my story (as you know) and hope that it does help other moms who have to go through the same thing. Obviously we never know what the future holds, but I hope that my healthy pregnancy after miscarriage is an encouragement to you sweet girl! And no matter what happens, the loss and the sadness that you felt will turn around and help you to love and be grateful for the babies that you do get to live life with, and it will make you anticipate meeting that sweet baby one day!

    You didn’t really ask for advice, but one book that helped me tremendously was “Heaven is for Real.” It’s an amazing story that will definitely breathe hope into your heart!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much for sharing, Heather! Your posts about your own experience were a great source of comfort and encouragement to me while I was grieving. I love seeing how the Lord worked in you though that experience and allowed something beautiful to occur out of that experience. Praying for a similar story, myself. And thanks for the book recommendation. I just got a Kindle so I’ve been looking for new books. :)

  • DessertForTwo

    Madison, I’m so glad you shared this. Your story is going to help another woman, I just know it.
    You are still on my ‘happy marriage’ and ‘make a baby’ prayer list :)
    Love you,
    Christina

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you, dear friend! I so appreciate your prayers and your continued support. Your e-mails and encouragement have been such a blessing to me. I hope you know that. :) xo

  • http://www.manysparrows.me/ Kayla

    Oh, Madison. This is beautiful, much like you. :) Thank you so much for opening + sharing your heart — it will be a blessing to many, I have no doubt.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Kayla! Your vulnerable writing the last month, along with Natalie’s, was such an encouragement to me to be a little bolder with my own writing.Sharing my story proved to be very good for me, and I hope that it can be a comfort to others in a similar circumstance.

  • http://kaleandale.com/ Valerie

    All I know is I’ve gone through a lot of difficult personal things this year and I have to believe He does have a plan for us and hopes He doesn’t give any one person more than he or she can handle.

    And when one finally feels it’s the right time to share, I have always been surprised this year when I hear how many others who seem to have it all are going through just as difficult of times.

    Best of luck, and I’m sure writing this post was a part of the healing process.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you, Valerie! Isn’t that true? When you have the courage to share something personal, it seems that there are plenty of others who can relate and were in need of community!

  • Mary

    God does have a plan for all of us. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Just like you knew it was OK and time to share it. You also will know when it is time to begin your family. Kinda like…how did you know you were in love with your husband….you just know when you are. Best wishes.

  • http://londonbakes.blogspot.com Kathryn

    Thank you for sharing your story – I know so many women who have had miscarriages (and gone on to have very happy families) but it’s not something that is ever really spoken about openly and honestly. I’m so sorry for your loss xo

  • erin klegstad

    Hugs to you, Madison! I’m so sorry for your loss. Do you follow Blair Shackle’s blog (http://blairshackle.com/blog/). She had a miscarriage last year and blogged about it several times. xo.

  • http://meagansfirstkitchen.blogspot.com Meagan Moughamian

    I am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. Your story will be a blessing and comfort to others going through this awful experience and I am so glad you had the courage to share it. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers, sweet friend!

  • Mackenzie

    I am so very sorry to hear about your loss Madison. I will send extra prayers your way. Take comfort in knowing that God always has a plan.

  • Lindsay West

    Thank you for sharing your story <3 beautifully written, despite how emotionally raw you must feel. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and sending prayers for peace your way.

  • C

    Madison, thank you for sharing this, and I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It is real, it is so hard, but you can and will get through this. One thing that my mom said that has always stuck with me, is that when you become pregnant you become a mom, and you are a mom for however long you are a mom, if it’s 8 weeks or 88 years, and to rejoice in that. God knows number of days we and our children have, and we can rejoice with each day we do have with them. You were mommy to a baby for 8 weeks, and we sooo wish it could have been much longer. The fear of losing your children continues after pregnancy, after birth, and for as long as we continue to let it control us before we acknowledge that our children belong to God and we need to give our fears over to Him. Though your baby is not in your arms, he or she is in the Father’s arms, and you will be reunited again and you will have an eternity to get know them and spend with them. I pray that God will comfort you with his loving presence, and you would continue to trust in Him and his goodness towards you.

  • Jumi

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss but thank you for posting this. A close friend of mine had a miscarriage a few months ago and I just found out Monday. It is a painful experience but like you said God has plans for all of us.

  • Shannon Benson

    Thank you so much for the beautiful post. My heart goes out to you and Joe… I know that everything will work out wonderfully in the long run, but please know that this thoughtful and well-written post resonates with so many….

    You are in my thoughts

  • Julia

    Sending so much peace to you, Madison. I think it was very brave to write this post, and I hope you find a sense of community from others who’ve gone through similar experiences. A friend of mine went through several miscarriages with her husband–they ended up adopting their son, and then found themselves pregnant with a daughter. She wrote about their experience on her blog (http://livryan.wordpress.com). All I know is that God certainly works in mysterious ways, regardless of the outcome. Like you already are, keep trusting and breathing and praying! :)

  • ShannonLC

    I know you must have really debated writing this post because it is so personal. Honestly, when bloggers write heartfelt posts, I feel like they are much more human. My heart aches that you had to go though this. At times like this, step back and look at how blessed your life is. You have a great job, an amazing husband and family and a beautiful home. I am 28 and single and am always dealing with what to do with my life since it isn’t following the traditional path. You are blessed and now you are so much stronger because God took you though this. (Also, the healthy nest wrote about her surprise pregnancy and miscarriage too.)

  • Laura Wifler

    Madison, I cried all over again when I read your post. So proud of you for sharing this publicly and I know it will connect with many women and comfort them when they need it. I love you so much, and am proud of the faith and trust in God’s goodness you and Joe have displayed through this difficult trial. God’s grace is so evident in your lives and I for one can’t wait to see what the future holds for your family.

  • agodfashionedlife

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for being so real, honest, and vulnerable though. God has amazing plans for you and Joe.

    http://agodfashionedlife.com

  • Keri

    I’ve followed silently for years, and i’m so sorry to hear of this. I wish there were a better way to say it, but I’m sorry will have to do. My husband and I had two miscarriages while trying for our first (and only as of now) child. But now he’s 11 months old and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. Its hard, and very trying but you’ll overcome! Like someone else said, it really is like a little club you never knew existed until you’re a part of it. I didn’t share with anyone other than a select few family members and my best friend and once I did open up to a few acquaintances I found out many of them had been in the same situation. It really helped me to know it wasn’t only myself who’d had such terrible luck in the pregnancy department. I also think it helped my husband and I grow closer together in our marriage. Best of luck to you, I KNOW you’ll have beautiful amazing babies when the time is right.

  • Minerva Bomgaars

    Oh my dear Madison. I read your blog regularly and was so saddened with this post and sorry now to know of your loss. Madison, I will pray for you and your future as a Mom some day. We know God is in control, but at times that is hard to understand how He works in our lives. I appreciate your honesty and give my love and hugs over the miles. Aunt Minerva :)

  • http://www.straightnorth.com/blog Shanna Mallon

    I hated reading this because my heart still breaks with you about it, but then I think how God holds our tears in His bottle and He cares much more about you than I do or could. Blessed by your beautiful spirit in sharing and wanting to share to comfort someone else. You guys will be such sweet parents (again) someday, Lord willing. It’s scary not knowing what the future holds, but less when you know the One who does.

  • Joanna

    Oh, how hard it was to read about this and walk with you through these memories. Your words echo what I’ve been thinking about for the last few days: This God–his way is perfect. Hard to understand, sometimes gut-wrenching, never the way we think, but perfect all the same. And Shanna’s right! You know who holds tomorrow and is the giver of life. And he is good. (I owe you an email!)

  • Stacy

    I know this must’ve been hard to share but thank you for sharing it. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss and I’ll hold you all in my thoughts.

  • http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton

    Such beautiful honesty, Madison. My mom had two miscarriages—one before me and one after me—and I’m so thankful for her openness about it with me, as I know that we don’t really hear much about that side of pregnancy. Thankful for your voice on this. Thankful for your bravery in sharing.

  • karla522

    This is such a powerful post, Madison. You are so brave to share it. I’m sending big hugs and love to you!

  • poiresauchocolat

    This is such a brave and honest post, Madison. This sentence that Kelsey wrote on Happyolks keeps popping up in my mind: “With each passing season I find myself coming closer to a place where I can honor my emotional expressiveness, impulse to nurture, and keen sensitivity as having equal value to my fiery determination, independence, and fearlessness. ” I think it’s important to share these stories. Hugs to you, as always x

  • http://stopmeifyouveheardthisone.com/ Justine

    Girl, just when I think I can’t love you more. I’ve never experienced this, but I’ve heard from family and friends how difficult it can be to get through. You’re always so level-headed and balanced in your outlooks, I’m not surprised to hear how healthy your view of this is, but I am proud of you for having the strength to deal with it the best you can and to share your experience. Big hug to you!

  • Meg

    Madison thanks for sharing! I can tell you from my own and my 3 sisters experience that miscarriage is common. Hang in there, mourn, keep moving and BE HOPEFUL! My miscarriage was in between #1 and #2 of my 3 children. You will be a great mom! Relax and enjoy your time with your husband and when the time feels right you will try again or be surprised! Thank you for your blog! I enjoy it, I love seeing your ideas and recipes! Keep smiling, keep growing and keep sharing!
    Meg

  • Meg

    Madison thanks for sharing! I can tell you from my own and my 3 sisters experience that miscarriage is common. Hang in there, mourn, keep moving and BE HOPEFUL! My miscarriage was in between #1 and #2 of my 3 children. You will be a great mom! Relax and enjoy your time with your husband and when the time feels right you will try again or be surprised! Thank you for your blog! I enjoy it, I love seeing your ideas and recipes! Keep smiling, keep growing and keep sharing!
    Meg

  • Jenn (eating bender)

    What a beautiful post, Madison. Although I am so sorry to hear of your loss and all that you have been through, your bravery and eloquence in sharing your story will I’m sure be a great help to many. Big hugs. My thoughts are with you.

  • Jenn (eating bender)

    What a beautiful post, Madison. Although I am so sorry to hear of your loss and all that you have been through, your bravery and eloquence in sharing your story will I’m sure be a great help to many. Big hugs. My thoughts are with you.

  • Beth

    I am a long-time follower (never commenter), but I have to say thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave to open up and be honest about such a personal thing, and I am so thankful for women like you who can share their stories to help other women going through the same thing. Wishing you peace and happiness always!

  • chelsy

    Madison, you couldn’t have written a more eloquent and beautiful story about something so near and dear to your heart. Thank you for sharing your story. God does have a plan for everyone and when the timing is right, he will know what you can handle, and bless you with beautiful children! You are the perfect role model for women everywhere, such a strong, beautiful, and brave woman of God and I am sure you just helped women who have been through the same experience gather the courage to tell their stories :) God Bless you!

  • Sarah

    Madison, thank you for writing this. You have helped so many through writing this post. I miscarried in December, and although I knew it was “common”, I needed people around me who knew exactly how I was feeling. That, even though I was only 7 weeks, it was still a death that needed to be grieved. More importantly, I found that it was a loss of naivety, innocence, with the whole process. I became scared, bitter, and found myself questioning God’s intent. Over time, I healed. I stopped planning and micro-managing, and figured that if I was to be a mom, it would happen. But if not, I needed to love my life exactly the way it is. 7 months later, we found out we were pregnant. And although I’m 15 weeks along, I’m still very conscious of every little thing, but I’m also so grateful. To be able to birth a healthy baby is truly a miracle. Thank you for your strength and your positive nature. I will be praying for you!

  • jana

    Ah, Madison. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t have many insights to share. Just thoughts and prayers and a hope for all good things for you.

  • http://sparklesandlattes.blogspot.com/ Danielle Butler

    Madison, thank you for writing this. I love reading both sides of the pregnancy story as well. I am trying to get pregnant and having people like you who share your stories helps other women who are trying to get pregnant, who have miscarried and who went through the whole process. I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

  • http://www.oakandoats.com/ Elizabeth Mayberry

    this brought tears to my eyes. i have walked with several friends through the same thing – what a wave of emotion. one of my friends cried & cried because she thought she willed herself into it because, just like you, it was unexpected and she was afraid. she had just begun to become excited when she lost the baby.

    i just want you to know it was not your fault. it is so hard when we are the ones growing the baby and we lose it – but it is not you. it is not the wine or coffee or exercise. the Lord simply called his little one home before you even met him. that friend of mine has now gone on to have two very healthy pregnancies. it really is all in the Lord’s timing and for her that first miscarriage taught her that her children are not her own, they are the Lords and he has gifted her with them.

    thanks for being honest and vulnerable!

  • Brindi B

    thank you for sharing your heart with us, Madison. your post is helping someone.

  • Megan Owens

    Madison, I’m so sorry to hear this. But you’re right, God does work in amazing and unexpected ways.

  • Heather Elwood

    As a newly wed, one of the first questions my new husband and I discussed was children and how soon we wanted to have a family. This is my number one fear in trying to have a family. For you to share your story is so brave and a powerful reminder that we are not alone as women. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

  • Kayleigh

    Thanks so much for sharing your story and your heart. As other have commented, I know many women who have miscarried, and then had many healthy children. God knows best. It’s all in His time. As a young mom of two, this was my worst fear during all months of pregnancy… I mourn with you, and I’ll be praying for you as you continue to heal. I hope you’ll have healthy kiddos somewhere down the road – they are SUCH a blessing!

  • Emily

    Madison,
    Thanks so much for writing your story. It is a beautiful testimony and I am encouraged by your step of faith to share, as are many others. We are right there with you, trusting God for His plan to unfold for our family. The journey of waiting and uncertainty is not an easy one, but I am reminded daily that God is loving, right, sovereign, and holy…no matter what! I too am grateful for his promise of grace and cling to that, as I pray you can.
    A good friend of mine had a miscarriage awhile back and shared this book title, and I thought it would be encouraging to you as well, Safe in the Arms of God. Hopefully you can get a copy for yourself.

    Sending hugs! Love you! :) Emily S

  • http://www.whitneybiber.blogspot.com/ whitney

    thank you for sharing this. you are very brave. you will be on my heart.

  • Margaret Joyce

    I’m going to echo everyone’s sentiments and say thank you for sharing this. I don’t know why it is that society doesn’t speak more openly about miscarriages and infertility, but I think the first step comes from one person sharing their story. Thank you.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Margaret! Hopefully more people start to share their stories. It is so great when women can learn from one another and lift one another up. Writing about this experience has been so helpful and hearing stories from others has been such an encouragement!

  • RA

    Madison,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I know it took courage and a leap of faith. Please know how much support there is for women to offer each other if we open up and share our experiences. My husband and I were not planning to have kids until we’d been married for awhile and found ourselves pregnant only 2 months after being married, much to our shock and then building excitement. After a series of events where I realized something wasn’t right, we learned the pregnancy was ectopic. It was a very hard experience but we went on to be cared for by wonderful doctors and now have three kids – two being twins. :)
    Please take care of yourself and take the time you need for healing. There is much love and support surrounding you and I’m very hopeful for what the future will bring you and Joe.
    Take care and blessings to you.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much for your comment and kind words! It is so encouraging to hear stories from women who have experienced something similar but now have beautiful kiddos in the wake of sadness and loss. And thank you for the great advice about taking the time to care for myself and heal properly. At first I think I had the tendency to want to rush through the experience and just get it over with, but I’ve found that it is okay to take my time and process what happened before moving on. And that’s okay. :)

  • Breanna Stroh

    I have been following your blog for quite a while now and I must say I am very happy you shared this. I had basically the exact same experience around the same dates. (or so it sounds) I know it is hard when you feel as though you are the only one going through such a sucky situation, it is isolating as well as depressing. Just know it really helped me to hear your story, I now know I am not alone in this situation. I thank you for your courage in posting this!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Breanna, thank you so much for your comment! I am so sorry that you, too, had to experience something similar to what I experienced. You are absolutely right, no one prepares you for the physical and emotional roller coaster that results from a miscarriage. I pray that you are healing and feeling more like your normal self and that you, too, have more peace about your experience every day!

  • http://www.twitter.com/AngelaTenClay Angela Ten Clay

    Madi,

    Thank you for sharing your heart. You are so incredible, and I know the Lord has big plans for you and Joey ahead. Keep following His plan for your life and remaining faithful. Your faith journey and strength is an inspiration to many, and God works through that in crazy ways. Love you so much, friend!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, dear friend! I appreciate you and your sweet words so much. You and I both know that God’s plan, although not always apparent, clear or easy, is really the best plan. Trusting in that for both of us! xo

  • natalie@thesweetslife

    oh Madison, my heart ached for you when I read this today. I have no doubt you have inspired and helped so many by sharing your story on the blog. Prayers going up for you my friend!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Natalie, thank you so much for your comment. Being able to write about the experience has been so helpful in the healing process, and I have been so encouraged by the comments and e-mails readers have shared. Thank you! xo

  • Rebecca

    My dear Madison,
    I think this is the first time I’ve ever commented, despite reading your blog for a few years now. Miscarriage is sooo common and I applaud you for talking about it. I had a miscarriage last year (our first pregnancy). With mine, I had an ultrasound at six weeks but they couldn’t find the heartbeat (not uncommon). I didn’t worry too much. At my eight week appt. they still couldn’t find a heartbeat and unfortunately the baby was still showing the growth of only six weeks. When my doctor said the baby wasn’t alive I was in denial because I had no symptoms. I told her I wanted to wait for a natural miscarriage instead of taking the medicine. Three weeks later my body still hadn’t done anything (no cramping, bleeding, etc.) so I ended up getting a D&C. For a while I didn’t talk about it, but then when I did, I found out that there are so many people who have had miscarriages and I don’t understand why it’s still so taboo to talk about. By the way, after a long year, I’m now 25 weeks pregnant with a boy and we are feeling extremely blessed. :) I know that you are a Christian and I don’t know if this will help you, but what helped me through my experience was knowing that the baby was never “mine” to begin with. He or she belonged to God, and God gives and he takes away. I’ll be praying that he gives you a baby when the time is right and until then, hang in there. Hugs, Rebecca

    • MadisonMayberry

      Rebecca –

      Thank you SO much for sharing your story and taking the time to comment. I am so sorry you, too, had to experience a miscarriage, but I’m so uplifted by hearing about your healthy baby/pregnancy! What a wonderful story the reflects God’s faithfulness and divine plan. I’ll be thinking of you in the weeks to come and praying for a great delivery.

      Blessings,
      Madison

  • http://www.realhomeliving.com/ Laura Britton

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that… while I have also heard it’s common, that doesn’t make it any less hard. I can’t imagine what emotions you’re feeling. All I know to say is to seek God through this, and it sounds like you’re doing that! His plan is best, we have to trust that through everything. Thank you for sharing this, Madison!

    • MadisonMayberry

      You are so right, Laura. His plans are best! We just have to trust it even when we don’t quite understand. Thank you so much for your encouragement!

  • Melissa S

    Madison….I so glad that I found your blog today. I loved meeting you at the Pillsbury Bake-Off and was ecstatic when I found out that you would be my kitchen expert on the floor. You were awesome….and beautiful if I might add. :)
    Your post is so real and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing your true feelings. I myself have gone through a miscarriage at 13 weeks and it was scary and overwhelming and discouraging and emotional. I wasn’t prepared for neither the physical or emotional toll it would take on me. You are right…the internet doesn’t help in these situations! :) I found out the hard way as well. After my miscarriage, I felt that I needed time to heal. It’s hard to explain unless you have gone through the range of emotions you feel in that difficult situation. As soon as I started talking about it the more I realized that it seemed almost every single one of my friends had a miscarriage at some point. It was more common than not with my friends. It gave me peace and comfort knowing that I wasn’t alone.
    I have now been blessed with 4 healthy, beautiful children and am so thankful. You will get your answer when the timing is right for you to start trying again. Just know that there are more women than you can even imagine out there who have gone through the same feelings and emotions.
    You are wonderful and I am so glad that I met you!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Melissa –

      It was SO wonderful meeting you at Bake-Off. You have such a joyful spirit that anyone can sense when they meet you. Until I saw your Instagram photos, I wouldn’t have believed that you are the mom to four kiddos. You don’t look nearly old enough, woman! :)

      Thank you for sharing your story. As you can imagine, it’s so encouraging to me to be able to hear stories of women who have experienced something similar and gone on to have healthy kiddos and normal pregnancies after that.

      I hope we can stay in touch!

      Madison

  • Amy

    Madison, you are so mature and eloquent in your words and will one day make an amazing mama! I am so sorry to hear about what you went through, I can not imagine the roller coaster of emotions you went through personally but I did just witness a best friend to go through (unexpectedly pregnant with her 3rd child, was stressed, then excited, then miscarried). It was very difficult for her but she did heal and I am glad you are too. I am a RN and have done ALOT of reading on reproductive health and MANY women miscarry and it does not mean anything is wrong with you (my friend got pregnant with her first 2 kids without even trying to). I wish you the best in this journey and when the time is right, it will happen :)

    • MadisonMayberry

      Amy, thank you for your comment. I so appreciated reading it and hearing what you had to say, especially from your perspective as an RN. Before I miscarried the whole concept wasn’t even on my radar. Of course, I knew that it happened occasionally but had no idea just how common it was. Hopefully as more women talk about this issue others will feel better prepared if they ever have to go through something similar.

      And thank you for sharing your friend’s positive story. Hearing that I am not alone in my experience and that others have gone on to have healthy beautiful babies gives me a lot of hope. :)

      Blessings,
      Madison

  • RuthsFoodGospel

    Your strength and courage at sharing your story is truly uplifting and you and your family will remain in my prayers. All my best!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Ruth! I appreciate your prayers more than you know. :)

  • Julie

    Thanks for sharing Madison. I really enjoy your blog and all your recipes.

    I went through a similar situation to you. Almost 2 years ago on Christmas I found out I was pregnant. We were trying, but surprised at how quickly it happened. I went in for a checkup at 10 weeks. We didn’t hear a heartbeat, but they said you can’t always find it until 12 weeks. A week later I started cramping and spotting. I ended up having a very rough miscarriage physically. After I recovered, we waited to see what God’s plan for our family would be. It didn’t take very long and we were expecting again. I had a wonderful pregnancy and tomorrow our beautiful little blessing of a boy will be 10 months old.

    It’s incredibly true that no one can prepare you for what journey you will go down when you are trying to conceive and what parenthood will be like. However, when it happens it is truly the best gift there is. Even though there are struggles and hard times, there are so many moments of joy that make all the bad times 100% worth it.

    Best of luck to you and your husband as you travel down your journey-whenever and however it may happen.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Julie –

      Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to share your story. As you can probably relate, hearing positive stories is so encouraging to me at this point. It’s hard after a miscarriage to not let fear take over and cripple you. Before this experience, miscarriage wasn’t even on my radar! But knowing that there are others who have experienced something similar and gone on to have healthy babies and normal pregnancies gives me so much hope and joy. Thanks again!

      Madison

  • Nikki

    Thanks for sharing Madison! We got pregnant with our first unexpectedly, so I know exactly what that is like! You are right on, God knows exactly what He doing. I pray for peace and healing for you and Joe! God Bless for another Minnesota girl! :) http://www.thedietitiandiaries.com

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes, Nikki! It’s always so great to hear from a fellow Minnesotan. Looking forward to checking out your blog, too. :)

  • sugarplumblog

    I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thanks so much. The positive feedback and encouragement has been so great.

  • Carissa

    Madison I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine the many mixed emotions you are feeling. This blogger experienced a miscarriage and actually blogged about it for several posts through her journey to healing and her reliance on God. I don’t know where her posts about it begin or end but hopefully this can help minister to you as you continue to process. Praying for you and Joe. http://www.nodesperatehausfrau.com/2011/11/friday-13th.html#more

  • http://www.rachelslookbook.com/ Rachel

    Madison,

    I am not sure how I missed this post, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and thank you for sharing. I’m sure that sharing about a miscarriage is not easy to do, but hopefully it gave you even more peace of mind (blogging is definitely strange sometimes, and like you I often choose to not disclose super personal information, but when my grandfather passed away last year, writing about it on my blog really helped me get my feelings out there).

    I am so so sorry. I can’t imagine going through all the emotions you felt and then finding out you lost the baby. God definitely has a plan and I have found that it certainly doesn’t always match what I have planned for myself. I will pray for you and your husband and I know that if and when you choose to have a baby, that you will have a wonderful, healthy pregnancy :)

  • Aimee

    So I randomly started following you on Instagram after seeing your cute outfit postings. I came to your blog and came across this post. It hit me so personally that I have to leave a comment.

    I got pregnant at the end of August after one month of trying. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks. I had this constant worry that something was going to happen and like this wasn’t going to last. It was at my 12 week ultrasound (on November 5th) that my doctor tried to find a heartbeat, but there wasn’t one. The baby only measured 9 weeks 3 days. We were devastated. I did the same thing of searching the internet for stories of other women who had gone through something similar. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. I questioned God and I was angry that He would bless us with a baby just to take it away so quickly. It wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization that even in our worst pain, God is still Good. I’ll probably never know why I miscarried, but I also had to face the reality that it wasn’t my fault and it couldn’t have been prevented.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I wish it wasn’t such a taboo topic because more women who go through miscarriages need to know they’re not alone and it wasn’t their fault.

    • Madison Mayberry

      Aimee, thank you so much for taking the time to share you story with me. Your words brought so much comfort to me and I appreciate it more than you know!