photo(1)I’m posting a picture of me with my cute puppy because, hey, It’s more uplifting than a picture of my hospital bracelet. :)

Those of you who follow me on Instagram have probably already seen my update that it appears I am miscarrying yet another baby. This time, I was tempted to keep our sad news close and quiet, but I’ve been so blessed to share this journey with you all, and it seems wrong to stop sharing now. If I feel certain about one thing, it’s that God has called me to share our journey publicly so others might know they aren’t alone. Today I’m sharing more of the nuts-and-bolts details than the deeper spiritual and emotional side because I know that sometimes during this journey that’s the type of information I’ve sought.

I’ve been silent regarding our journey to baby over the past few months. While I was quiet online, things were moving along behind the scenes. We received all our blood work back and information back regarding the tissue analysis from our baby. Everything came back very normal. Our baby had normal chromosomes, my hormones checked out nicely, I came back negative for any clotting disorders. And while that’s all good news, it’s also incredibly frustrating to feel as if you aren’t any closer to getting answers than you were before all this started.

To be on the safe side, my doctor prescribed me a daily baby aspirin to possibly negate any minor clotting issues that didn’t show up on the tests we ran and gave me progesterone in the second half of every cycle to aid pregnancy. I had been going to weekly acupuncture appointments that helped lower my stress level and seemed to truly help my body recover much quicker this time around. I was back to having normal cycles within six weeks of my surgery, which is amazing! I felt good, healthy, and back to my normal self when I found out we were pregnant our second cycle after my D&C.

This time around, I felt an incredible sense of peace and well-being. I have no idea what to attribute that to, but I had a good feeling about this pregnancy and believed that things would be different. I went to the doctor and had my hormone levels check about a week after getting my first positive pregnancy test. Things looked good and my numbers were looking great, which made my doctor very encouraged and lifted my spirits, too.

But on Sunday afternoon I started to spot, which wasn’t something I had experienced with my other two pregnancies. The doctor on call suggested I go to the ER to check things out, since Joe had a crazy work week and wasn’t going to be able to get away to go with me during the week and we were preparing to leave town for the holiday weekend. After three hours and rounds of tests, the doctors told me that the gestational sac was irregularly shaped and there were a couple other odd-shaped spots they couldn’t identify on the ultrasound. They tossed around words like “potentially not-viable” and “possibility of a molar pregnancy”. Scary, overwhelming words when all we wanted this time around was good news.

At some point, the news was almost so absurd it was laughable. Fewer than 1% of couples experience 3 consecutive miscarriages. I’ve always been a believer in stats and numbers, but now that we’ve managed to fall into that “less than one percent” I’m starting to believe in stats a whole lot less. Or at least that they don’t apply in our case.

We went for a follow-up yesterday morning with our OBGYN and they confirmed the same inconclusive results we were given in the ER. It’s too early to say with 100% certainty that this pregnancy isn’t viable, but it doesn’t look very good. Although my hormones are rising appropriately (making them less inclined to believe it’s a molar pregnancy) there just isn’t enough information to know if there is a chance one way or another.

We were given the choice to have the D&C today or to wait a week and have a follow-up scan next week to see if things progress. Although my logical side wanted to have the surgery today, move forward and put this behind me, a voice kept telling me to let this play out and give it one more week. I’m probably just being overly optimistic, but a few months ago our pastor talked about leaving room in our lives for God to perform miracles. Not that He will do so every time, of course, but that if we get wrapped up in science and numbers all the time, we don’t ever create space or an opportunity for God to do miraculous things.

So we’re waiting, until next Wednesday, and praying for a miracle while also preparing our hearts and minds for the likely outcome, which is surgery Wednesday after our scan. And because I believe in the power of prayer, would you join me in praying? For a miracle, if that be God’s will, or that He would give us a sense of peace and allow us to remain hopeful about our family’s future even if that doesn’t mean that we get to start that family any time soon.

Madison

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  • karla522

    Praying for and thinking of you, Madison!

  • greensnchocolate

    Sending my prayers your way Madison! xo, Taylor

  • Courtney

    I am the oldest of 4 children. I have two brothers and a sister. When my mother was pregnant with my second brother, they could not find a heart beat at 5 months along. The doctors wanted to schedule my mom for a D & C. My mother made the choice to wait and not have the surgery. About one month ago, that baby that they couldn’t hear the heart beat of, graduated from Bible College. God does perform miracles!! You will be in my prayers.

    • http://foodloveswriting.com/ Shanna

      What a hope-filled story! I love this.

  • Jenn (eating bender)

    My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you this week, Madison!

  • http://www.urbanwifediaries.com Urban Wife

    Friend, I am praying for you so much right now. xoxo

  • Elena Ballam

    Madison, I am so, so sorry. Words fail at moments like this. Your strength in sharing and your attitude throughout this journey are nothing short of inspiring (although I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it at this moment.) I am joining with you in prayer, and believing for you and your family’s future. Remember that no matter what, God is still good, your body is still perfectly made and beautiful, and you are dearly loved.

  • Emily M

    Praying for a miracle for God to bless you!

  • http://foodloveswriting.com/ Shanna

    Praying.

  • Sasha

    I am praying for your miracle!!! xoxo

  • http://littlethingsbigstuff.com/ natalie

    I admire you deeply, and you are inspiring me to trust God in similar ways. prayed for you during my walk this morning!

  • Claire

    Your family is in my prayers. Miracles happen everyday, and I know God’s plan for you is wonderful despite being very hard at times. Lots of love.

  • Bknowsitall

    Praying for you and Joe, Madison. My husband and I struggled with infertility for about a year until we finally got pregnant. While my situation is not the same as yours, I empathize with the emotional roller coaster you must be going through….such much intense joy and love coupled with disappointment and heartache. Don’t give up hope!

  • http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton

    Thank you for being so honest and open about your journey—your words are comforting to so many who are going through a similar situation. Praying for you!! God does miracles, indeed. Sending lots of love your way!

  • Elaine

    I’m praying for you. I don’t pray much but your story and bravery is so heartbreaking to me. Lots of love and luck!

  • http://www.rachelslookbook.com/ Rachel

    Praying for you!!!!!

  • Kate in Mn

    Prayers for you & your family! Another blogger I follow (Our Little Apartment) just had a baby after 2 miscarriages. I hope you can join her. Endure in hope!

  • Julie @ Running in a Skirt

    Thank you for sharing your journey and being so open about your struggles. I am praying for you to find peace, comfort… and just maybe… a miracle!

  • Melissa

    Sending positive thoughts your way. And thank you again for sharing your story. Like you mentioned about the statistics, I have been thinking how hopeful I was to hear “80% of couples conceive in one year”, and then being that 20 one year later%. I guess someone has to be. We are stronger because of the struggle, and when that baby does come, it will be even that much more special.

  • Julie Johnson

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you! The emotions of my miscarriage just came flooding back to me-the uncertainty of waiting to see what happens after spotting. May you feel all these prayers of comfort and hope for you, and may God’s love surround you during this time.

  • http://goingupupandaway.blogspot.com/ Breanna

    Girl please know that I am praying for you! Watching your journey towards having a baby this past year has been heartbreaking and my heart aches for you and your husband. Stay strong, stay positive and I am praying a miracle comes your way.

  • Katherine Kelly

    Sending prayers your way, and thinking of you so very often. Holding you close in heart, mind & spirit and praying His peace will reign down on you in every possible way. Waiting, I’m sure, will be difficult, but know you are being prayed over and walked with on this journey. xoxo

  • http://www.dettecakes.blogspot.com/ Kelly Linn Feller

    Praying for a miracle!! XO

  • Kayla De Vos

    You and Joe are in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll be praying for one of those miracles for the both of you but also praying for God to be with you every step of this journey.

  • http://www.dessertfortwo.com/ DessertForTwo

    Oh, Madison. I’m so sorry. You’re in our prayers constantly. You are going to get through this. I’m so glad you are leaving room for miracles. It will happen. I believe :)

  • Sara Favale

    There aren’t any words left that can give you any comfort. Maybe a little hope is all you need. We are all sending our love & good wishes!

  • Jenny

    My heart hurts for you Madison but wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and Joe. Hopeful that you will have good news next Wednesday!

  • chelsy ethridge

    Oh, Madison. I will be praying for you and Joe! If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it :) It is in His hands and I believe that he has miracles up ahead in store for you!

  • Kayleigh

    Madison. I will definitely be paying for you. What a hard thing. Thanks for sharing. And God does still give us many miracles. Also, If you’ve ever taken a stats class, you should know that most stats are not right at all. .. much love and prayers.

  • KMall

    Praying

  • http://realhomeliving.blogspot.com/ Laura Britton

    Ever since I saw your insta last night, I have been praying for you Madison! Praying that God would do a big miracle this week, praying for your sanity and for your trust in Him not to waver during this scary time, and praying for you and Joe to cling to each other and to the Lord. And I am praying, praying, praying that this is not another miscarriage for you. You are so strong and thank you for calling on all of us to pray with you.

  • Abby

    Praying for a miracle for you guys!

  • cgisler

    I will be praying. I so appreciate your thoughts and honesty. It is such a Godly encouragement of what it looks like to grieve with HOPE. Joy in suffering. Feeling the weight of this broken world without total despair. Having gone through a miscarriage our first pregnancy and now waiting to try again, your words resonate with me. I will be praying for a deep assurance of God’s love for you as you go through this week… It is easy for us to share the happiest, prettiest moments of our lives, but it takes a lot of humility and vulnerability to share the pain. Blessings to you guys.

  • Bridget Black

    Madison, I think you’ll find as much awe and inspiration in Pastor Pat Quaid’s (he’s at Hope Lutheran and just married Josh and me!) story as we did. He and his wife experienced 3 miscarriages before getting pregnant with healthy babies. Now they are celebrating life with 3 beautiful boys :) praying for you, Joe and your future!

  • Kara Knaack

    We don’t know each other, but have a couple of mutual acquaintances, one from my time spent at Northwestern College and another from your time at Meredith. My heart breaks for your news. I don’t think there are ever the “right” words of comfort but just know that strangers are praying for you.

  • Kristin

    I, too, have been getting wrapped up in the science and timelines of these things. I certainly need to just let God work. It’s too big of a job for us to take on. Prayers for you!

  • Brindi B

    Many, many prayers and thoughts with you!

  • Nicole from MN

    Wishing you peace in whatever the outcome. You’re very courageous to share your story, and you have many friends (and strangers!) pulling for you!

  • Jennifer

    I will be praying for you, Madison.

  • manda

    In a similar position… prayers for you. I am hoping God has a miracle for us both.

  • Jen

    You are very courageous and full of strength! As a long tim follower of your blog, I’m sending support and prayers. I have a good friend that has experience three miscarriages in a row and is now about to give birth to a healthy baby. Light will come out of this dark – and you have so much support from family, friends and blog readers. Thank you for being so open :)

  • Joanna

    Oh Madison. This is heartbreaking news but I see the strength of the Creator of the universe–and every baby–pouring over you and through you through these words. I’m praying for a surprise, a miracle, a huge blessing and gift for you and Joey.

  • http://sparklesandlattes.blogspot.com/ Danielle Butler

    Sending prayers and hope your way. I hope something changes by next Wednesday and this was a little blip in the pregnancy journey. I am thinking of you and Joe. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It helps more than you know.

  • alyt27

    I am thinking about you! As someone who also struggles with infertility (we can’t get pregnant), I so appreciate your honesty.

  • Mikalah

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while but haven’t commented yet- but I wanted you to know that I prayed for you today! Praying for a miracle for this tiny life inside of you.

  • Keri

    Praying for you!

  • Rebecca

    Praying for you, Madison! I’m reminded of the first two verses of “Be Still My Soul” and hope they are an encouragement to you!

    Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
    Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change, He faithful will remain.
    Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

    Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future, as He has the past.
    Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
    Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

  • Erika

    Praying for you, Madison!

  • Lindsay

    Madison, I can’t imagine the pain and frustration you are going through. I am thankful that we serve a God who has a bigger and better plan for us than we know. While we can only see a short ways down the path of life, he sees our entire journey. Thank you for being so opened and honest. Through your struggle you have been a living testimony as to being gracious and ever confident in our Lord Jesus.

  • Ali Grace Eiland

    Oh, I am definitely praying for y’all. I am so encouraged by your honesty and I know that so many others are as well. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but as someone who also hopes to be a mom one day my heart hearts for you. Thanks for inviting us into your real life.

  • Jessica Lehman

    I recently started following your blog as I’m a fellow Minnesotan and foodie. As it turns out, we share more in common than I realized… Thank you for sharing your story and being so candid about your experience. You are helping so many other women by letting them know they aren’t alone in experiencing this. I will be praying hard for you

  • Deb

    My heart is breaking for you, but I know as Christians we don’t always know the bigger plan. My prayer for you and your husband is for peace, with whatever happens! Much love….

  • Julie

    This is the 1st time I’ve read your blog. When I read the sentence about the doctor giving you a choice to have a D&C now, my heart just dropped! And I can’t describe the relief I felt when you went on to say you didn’t do it. I absolutely believe God performs miracles, & I will pray for you again & again hoping you get yours this time. God bless you!

  • natalie@thesweetslife

    I probably can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish there were an easy explanation or answer as to why this is happening, but one thing I know–you are doing AMAZING things simply by sharing your journey and letting God use this, as much as it sucks! Thank you for continuously being a beacon of hope for HIM!

  • Rebecca Lucas

    ditto to what everyone else is saying, You are in our prayers.