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First, thank you all so much for your prayers and support. Although things don’t look good, knowing we are being lifted up in prayer by so many people, including friends we’ve never met in person, absolutely humbles me. Sometimes thinking about it brings me to tears and I feel so undeserving of those prayers. Would I respond in kind if I were on the other side? I hope that I do when given the opportunity.

My tendency is to tie things up in a neat little package, to use the right words and put our pain in a box that’s easy to explain and talk about. But infertility and recurrent miscarriage don’t fit into a neat little box; those type of things exhaust you physically and mentally and you find yourself hit like a ton a bricks during everyday moments when you least expect it. I’m weary and absolutely exhausted. I’ve been pregnant three times in the last 12 months, meaning I’ve been pregnant for over 24 weeks total with nothing to show other than pain, exhaustion, a lot of tears and pretty regular medical bills.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking to God, asking Him lots of questions I didn’t really expect Him to answer. There has been yelling and wrestling with Him, wanting an explanation as to why in the world this would be part of His plan for our lives. Sometimes, if I’m being totally honest, it’s made me feel abandoned and unloved and questioned whether I’ve done something to anger God unlike all those women with healthy babies.

Of course, in my moments of greater clarity I realize that this isn’t about punishment but about refinement and growth, that we all go through trials at one point or another, and that it’s God’s way of growing us in the deepest of ways. But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that it’s okay to question God and ask Him hard questions; it’s okay to be real with our heavenly father.

Although I’m weary, I think it’s so important not to lose perspective or make having children some type of idol in my life. Infertility can so easily become an obsession, an all-consuming game of temperature taking and ovulation strips and two week waiting periods and fear-filled first trimesters. Joe and I have so much. Truly. And sometimes those blessings get overlooked in search of the “next great thing” which, in this case, happens to be a baby.

Is God enough for me? If Joe and I never get the babies that we so desire is God enough? Are His promises and His word still true to me? The answer needs to be yes.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that in the last few days two people have brought to mind Lamentations 3, yet again. It was the verse I read time and time again after our second miscarriage, and what I have been meditating on this time around, too. So for those of you who are weary like me, who feel exhausted and drained in the deepest of ways, take heart! The Lord our God is a compassionate and loving father and these trials we are going through are not in vain:

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

*Know that if you’re going through something similar and need prayer, please don’t hesitate to send me an e-mail. I’ve found over the past year that it helps when I take the focus away from myself and pray for the needs of others. 

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  • Theresa

    God’s ways are often hard for us to comprehend. I pray you find peace and comfort.

  • http://foodloveswriting.com/ Shanna

    God is our reward. YES. Learning and relearning this all the time. All the other good gifts point to Him because HE is the thing. The giver. The source of everything good. I remember Joanna’s posting something a while back about how every want I have is really a want for Him. That is the lifeboat I am on whenever other things are falling away and I’m freaking out and panicking and thinking maybe God’s forgotten me? Doesn’t He see what’s happening? But I remember, woah, Shanna, you have HIM. You have Him! He has you! NOTHING NOTHING can take that away. Still praying for you guys.

  • http://ageiland.wordpress.com/ Ali Grace

    Those are some of my most treasured verses. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed.” It’s so easy to forget that He is still good and full of love toward us when our circumstances are difficult. Thanks for this beautiful reminder.

  • Stephanie @ Girl Versus Dough

    I wish there was something better to say/do but I think those verses say it all. How great our God is, that He comforts us and gives us a peace we can’t find anywhere else in the midst of our deepest trials; that He loves us so deeply and never, ever leaves us. Continuing to pray for you. xoxo

  • Sarah

    Thinking of your family and wanted to direct you to this blog, http://www.ablogaboutlove.com- hope you can find some comfort in some of its uplifting posts on infertility and facing trials

  • Glenna Marshall

    I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this painful time again. Infertility has been a trial in my life for 10+ years. We never conceived, so I don’t know the specific pain of miscarriage, but I certainly will be praying for you. Here’s my infertility blog if you are interested: http://www.graceisstillenough.blogspot.com Lamentations 3 has frequently been a source of comfort during dark days.

  • andreabrogle

    Hoping with you…I remember those same very real questions and conversations. And Praise GOD, HE is ENOUGH. There was a very long time when we thought the door was fully shut on us having children and I finally got to the point where kids or not, His best was what I wanted. Praying you will rest in His sovereignty and goodness:)

  • Cindy

    Oh Madison, I am so sorry for you and for Joey. I’m praying right now that our Loving Father will surround you with His loving arms and comfort you in difficult days to follow. I continue to pray for you both. And send you both a giant hug. Love you.

  • http://www.urbanwifediaries.com Urban Wife

    Even though I feel like there is nothing else I can say that will take away the hurt, sometimes other writers put things more eloquently.

    “Life clings, even in the barren places, the hungry places where we feel heartsick, homesick, bone tired. Hope can be deferred, but Hope is not dead.”

    Praying so much for you and Joe…

    xo

  • a friend

    I’ve been following your blog for a while because I enjoy healthy recipes and nice people. I have been following your miscarriages and my heart is broken for you. I am very different from you — older, an atheist, unmarried, no kids — but I am a kind person who tries to live a good life, and I believe strongly in treating others with love and compassion. I have been going through some major trials myself and it’s been very hard and challenging this last year. And this is what I love about humanity (and the internet): we are very different and live far apart and will likely never meet or know each other in person, but we are both good people sharing this earth, and being able to share in your pain is a humbling honor that takes my mind off my own troubles and allows me to feel for others. If it helps even a little to know there is a woman in New York feeling for you and hoping everything works out for you and your husband, than consider this my own version of prayer.