madiandjoe

*First note of business: I’m terribly sorry for the lack of recipe posts lately. Just when I thought I was starting to feel better, I got hit with another round of morning sickness that has prevented me from making almost anything worth blogging about in the kitchen. I’ve been on a steady diet of sandwiches, smoothies and cereal, but I’m looking forward to *hopefully* feeling better soon so I can start cooking with more regularity! 

We are, with this little miracle baby, inching closer and closer to the end of the first trimester. Can you believe it? Because I certainly can’t. Standing in the kitchen two nights ago after our 11 week appointment, I was brought to tears thinking about how close we came to throwing in the towel on this pregnancy and moving forward with the D&C. But, despite everything we were told we are, by the grace of God, still here, moving forward day-by-day with the pregnancy our doctors said wouldn’t happen.

At our 11 week appointment on Monday we were able to hear our baby’s heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. We heard the heartbeat on the ultrasound a few other times, but for some reason using the doppler felt more real. And while those good appointments really do provide peace of mind, I find that the peace and reassurance is fleeting. Here I sit, two days later, wondering if everything is okay inside, praying continually that our baby’s heartbeat would continue to beat strong and that he/she would continue to grow and develop normally.

Part of this I’m sure is just a normal part of any pregnancy. What mother doesn’t worry a little bit? But as I was telling a friend last week, being pregnant after two miscarriages is not for the faint of heart. There is a deep fear, based in past experiences, that easily sneaks into everyday life if you’re not constantly on guard. Heck, even when I am constantly looking out for those negative, fearful thoughts they still creep back in.

This pregnancy in particular, with it’s rocky beginning and the fact that it’s a pregnancy after two failed attempts, has been one of the most challenging and trying journeys. Of course I’m trilled to be pregnant, but when the worst case scenario has been reality in the past, it’s hard to walk through the day-to-day with ignorance or bliss. Each day of this pregnancy has been stepping out in faith, trusting that God’s plan is higher than my plan, and that He has planned for our little family to come together in just the right way.

I wish I could say that I’ve conquered my fears, but it’s a daily battle that I’m waging. Reminding myself that it’s out of my control and that the best I can do is take it day-by-day are two things that I’ve found to be the biggest help when my mind starts to wander. Although it’s scary to admit that I’m out of control, once I’ve accepted it it’s remarkably freeing.

Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

Madison

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  • http://www.keepitsweetdesserts.com/ Lauren at Keep It Sweet

    I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to put that fear to rest after what you have been through. However, I’m so happy to hear how things have turned around and that little heartbeat you heard really is a miracle!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Goodness, it is hard! But sometimes I’m just overwhelmed not with fear but general thankfulness for what we have and for being pregnant, even if it’s just for today. Thanks for your constant encouragement, Lauren! Hope you’re still feeling and doing well!

  • http://www.urbanwifediaries.com Urban Wife

    That’s a great Bible verse! I completely get that mixed feeling of being thrilled yet cautious and more fearful. I think that’s an absolutely normal part of pregnancy after loss, as is the daily struggle of trying to think nothing is wrong. I keep y’all and your miracle baby in my prayers every day.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, friend, for your prayers and support. It means so much to know that even when we aren’t praying, someone else might be praying for our baby. xo

  • http://www.comeabide.blogspot.com andreabrogle

    So happy for you all! I can definitely relate…we had two miscarriages and years of infertility before The Lord gave us our daughter and we just kept saying “until she’s in our arms!” But in reality it’s been a great reminder for parenthood in general..

    • http://www.comeabide.blogspot.com andreabrogle

      Holding our kids with open hands:)

      • MadisonMayberry

        Oh I understand that sentiment so well, Andrea! I already feel that way. Until this little one is in our arms, I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch. But at the same time, I want to allow myself to be excited, which is a slow and gradual process. :)

        • http://www.comeabide.blogspot.com andreabrogle

          Oh my…didn’t mean to sound like I was saying don’t be excited. Every day with that little one is worth rejoicing over!!

          • MadisonMayberry

            Oh no! I didn’t take it that way at all. I think it’s just me getting over my own fears and working on being more excited every day. :)

  • http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton

    Yes, first trimester fears are so natural (I had a billion!), but I can’t imagine adding on your history with previous miscarriages. As you said, not for the light of heart. But God is so good and you are being so faithful to trust him, even though you’re afraid, and that’s so beautiful and inspiring to all of us who are following along in your journey. Continuing to pray for you guys!! Xo

    • MadisonMayberry

      Glad to know I’m not alone, Natalie! But you are absolutely right, God is good and he has been so faithful to us, not just with this pregnancy but with a thousand other things. I’m always embarrassed how quickly I can forget about that faithfulness. Thanks for the continued prayers. Heavens knows we need them!

  • Bridget Black

    Praying and thinking of you two so often…… what an inspiration you are. God is good!!!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much, Bridget! It means so much knowing we are being prayed for. I’m in awe of what God’s done with this pregnancy, and so many times I feel undeserving of this gift. But thankful none the less!

  • Doni

    Stay strong! I have had 2 miscarriages and infertility struggles. Pregnancy after loss is hard, the fears just don’t stop and I think only multiply. My twin pregnancy with our boys, I started bleeding at 11 weeks and thought, here we go again and the ultra sound showed 2 babies alive and well! The bleeding/spotting didn’t stop for many more weeks and it was torture. I will never forget the feeling of holding my breath until each heartbeat was found at all my appointments. (I was weekly/bi-weekly the rest of my pregnancy.) They are now 20, and getting ready to start their 3rd year of college and I still have fears and worry about losing my most precious gifts – I think that’s just called being a mother. I’m so impressed with your strength in God by putting this in his hands and the special way of sharing your story. You are not alone and I know we don’t know each other personally but my thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and your precious little one.

    • MadisonMayberry

      Doni, thank you for sharing your story! It’s so encouraging to hear stories from people who have walked the difficult road of multiple pregnancies lost and are on the other side. I know very well the fears you experienced with your boys, and felt many of those same things when I started spotting early on with this pregnancy. I thought for sure we were losing this baby, too. But we’ve seen God work in such miraculous ways through this experience, and it’s wonderful to have a reason to point it all back to him. Thank you for your prayers!

  • http://realhomeliving.blogspot.com/ Laura @ Real Home Living

    I totally get that. I know I would constantly be worrying about the pregnancy (I’m pretty sure I’ll be that way when I get pregnant one day too, even if I have no miscarriages). There are so many things in life that make us call on God daily to give us strength to get through it, and I think that’s where we truly learn to depend on Him. Been praying for you and that sweet baby, and praying for your heart that you would rest in the peace that comes only from the Lord, not from a good test result or an ultrasound. So excited for you guys to see a healthy heartbeat and will continue to pray!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Thank you so much for your prayers, Laura. They really do mean the world to both of us. And you’re right, although it’s not always fun to learn, when we are put into spots that require us to lean on God, that’s when we truly learn and grow. We’re just taking it one step and one day at a time. And for now, I’m so thankful to be pregnant today.

  • Joanna

    YAY!! I keep saying that when you post about another week carrying this baby. While reading this, I thought about how God’s mercies are new every morning and how He is kind in all his works (Psalm 145). Every moment fear comes, mercy comes. I’m so glad you’re clinging to him and I’m so so glad this baby is healthy!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Well let’s hope you can continue to have a reason to say that! :) His mercies ARE new every morning. I’ve become so aware of that. I’ve found that when I’m most fearful, it’s been so helpful to pray that God would correct my emotions and have them line up with what He wants me to feel, not what my previous experiences may be tricking me into believing. Easier said than done, but a worthwhile endeavor just the same!

  • http://cookiesandgrace.com ali grace

    I love how happy and excited those faces are! I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling, but I know in other ways how difficult and freeing it can be to release control and trust the Lord. It’s a day by day struggle for me. Thankful we know our God is good and so worthy of our trust!

    • MadisonMayberry

      Oh thank you so much, Ali! It’s extremely difficult, especially when you have no idea what is going on in your own body! But I’m learning more and more every day about leaning on God and trusting Him to control my life. It’s made me so aware of how out of control I really am!

  • Linda

    I’m so glad that everything is going well! I’m sure you’ll breathe a little easier after 12 weeks. This baby has so many people praying for him/her! As for the constant concern for your baby, I think God is just preparing you for motherhood. My “babies” are almost grown, and I must say the praying for them only increases as they get older and are faced with more things! I love that verse, and Isaiah 41:10 is a good one too, “Do not fear for I am with you…” I read the command “Do not fear” is the most used command in the Bible! Easier said than done, I know, but when I start to worry, I try to turn it into a prayer instead. Praying for you 3!

  • Erin LaBere

    I completely understand how you feel. Being so excited for your little bundle of joy, but very fearful at the same time after what you’ve been through. Just a few weeks ago, we lost our baby. I was 6 months pregnant. We learned he was very sick and wouldn’t be strong enough to make it. The news was devastating and we are still trying to recover each day. Life can throw us a curve ball so quickly and in a moment everything can change. Many times I feel like giving up hope, just waiting for the next bad thing to come, but that is no way to live. God has such great plans that we can’t see at first and stepping out each day in faith is the only way I can keep going. We want to try to get pregnant again and I know when that day comes it is going to be so hard to not be completely terrified that the same thing could happen all over again. All we can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy each moment that we have. I’m praying that you will have a wonderful pregnancy and beautiful child. Wishing you the very best.