Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Grace in Our Weakness

October 23, 2014

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For a while I got into a really good rhythm of writing authentically, saying what I was really thinking and feeling and processing. And then, a handful a months ago, I fell out of that rhythm for one reason or another. It’s not that I’m intentionally keeping anything from this site or not saying what I mean to say, but the truth is that this pregnancy has been all-consuming. The rocky beginning that shook us to the core, the desperate pleas for prayer and more prayer, the waiting between weekly appointments, the awe of the miracle God performed, holding our breath not knowing what the next week held, week after week, in all of its uncertainty.

I told myself for weeks that once we got out of the first trimester I would breath deeply and relish in the beauty of pregnancy, but anyone who’s been fearful of something can tell you there isn’t a magic point when the fear subsides. Instead, that fear is replaced with another fear, another fixation, another date on the calendar. I’ve been doing it, too. After the first trimester ended there was the next appointment, and then the 19 week ultrasound, followed by the appointment with the specialist. I told myself I would feel more peace and breath a sigh of relief after each milestone I placed on the calendar. But the truth is, I replaced once fear for another, one milestone for the next.

As I look at my thoughts and my behaviors I’m embarrassed. God has been so faithful to us and done such a miracle in this pregnancy! He’s led us through tough times in our marriage and our careers and through times of uncertainty, and yet I sit back at where I started, filled with doubt and uncertainty, wringing my hands and feeling fearful of what comes next. Even to me, when I look at it logically, it seems silly and petty and immature.

It’s times like these that I’m thankful for a God who offers forgiveness and grace in my weakness and doesn’t give up on me, time and time again. No matter how many times I have to learn and re-learn the same dang lesson, we worship a God that’s faithful and patient enough to overlook those weaknesses and give us another go at it. So if today, you find yourself stumbling over the same lesson you learned a thousand times before, don’t be discouraged. Take heart that we can come to God time and time again, no matter how many times we’ve done so before.

Madison

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16 Comments

  • Reply Emily Jensen October 23, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Yes, take heart because God is faithful to keep us when we aren’t faithful to trust Him with every detail! This last week at our bible study, we looked at the way God established the Passover and the feast of Unleavened Bread to help the Israelites remember the miraculous ways he cared for / delivered them. I thought this was good encouragement to write down and find creative ways to mark the ways God has shown his faithfulness to me through difficult situations. Because the more I remember, the more faith I have in him today. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  • Reply Kayla October 23, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Beautiful, Madison. Thank you for sharing. Authenticity flows from your heart when you write words like these. Keep being brave!

  • Reply Amanda October 23, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    I have been reading for a few months and I must stop to comment finally…
    Thank you for such an open-hearted, honest post. I see myself doing the exact same thing and you have brought conviction to my heart. I need to let go and trust.
    Beautifully said.

  • Reply Amy Stratton October 23, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    He didn’t make us to be perfect, but human. Just let your love for God, your husband, and your little one guide you. Keep your head up and know that lots of your “imaginary internet friends” have you in their thoughts & prayers.

  • Reply Elena Ballam October 23, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    I can relate to every word of this. I, too, would think “After this next ultrasound, I’ll feel safe” or “At 16 weeks, I’ll stop worrying.” Instead, I would just worry about if I felt enough baby kicks, or if my morning sickness going away was normal, and on and on… Just let me emphasize that those feelings and fears and so, so normal, and are just a sign of how much love you already have for your little one. It is hard to let go and trust in God’s plans, and to believe, after much hurt, that he does in fact have beautiful things for us! But allow yourself to get excited about the little miracle that will be entering your life in just a few short months!! We are still praying and believing for your family.

  • Reply Bridget Black October 23, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Beautiful! The idea of believing fear, inviting it in and spending too much time stewing in those thoughts keeps coming up this week! Please listen to Hope’s sermon from last week. it is wonderful! God is protecting us at all times, He is with us at all times, He is “in our boat” as Mike Housholder continues to say. It will lift you up!!

  • Reply Heather Disarro October 23, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Love this, and it’s so true. Fear never goes away unless we give it to God…and even then, because we’re fallen and sinful, it creeps back in. So thankful for grace and unconditional love in it all!

  • Reply Shanna October 23, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    I totally relate. I’ve always been so comforted by the man who says to Jesus, ‘Lord, I believe! Help though my unbelief!’ He is good to know we are dust and forgive our weakness. He is good to let us see it slowly and not all at once.

  • Reply Urban Wife October 23, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I love this, Madison. It resonates a lot with me as well and if it weren’t for God’s grace, all would be for naught.

  • Reply Jessica October 23, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    Thank you for sharing this! I too, am thankful that we have such a gracious, loving and forgiving God. I try to cast my worries on to him but that is easier said than done. God Bless You!

  • Reply Amanda October 23, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    Bless you, Madison. You’re one of the most authentic bloggers I’ve ever read. Know that we all still pray for you guys and your pregnancy, even when you’re not asking! 🙂

  • Reply ali grace October 23, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    I love this, Madison! I always adore your honesty. And I’m right there with ya girl- so thankful our God is constant and faithful when I’m not.

  • Reply Millie October 23, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    Thank you, Madison, for this beautiful post! Though I can’t relate to all of your experiences, I desperately needed to hear and apply these wise and comforting words to my college studies. Your blog is such a constant blessing to me. I will be praying for you and your little one <3

  • Reply allisonramsing October 23, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    Thank you for being real and vulnerable. What an excellent reminder!

  • Reply Holly October 23, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    Thank you for sharing–God is working through you to reach people, be encouraged!

  • Reply Laura October 26, 2014 at 5:10 am

    Thanks you for sharing so authentically. This was exactly what I needed to read today, as I’ve been really struggling with food and body images issues, ones that have flared and subsided for about 10 years. At this point I get hung up on, “why haven’t you learned anything? why haven’t you moved on?” which stands in the way of the compassion and understanding that I need to show myself in order to grow.

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