Infertility and Miscarriage, Pregnancy

I’m ready for 2015.

December 31, 2014

Photo on 9-11-14 at 2.40 PM

I probably could have alternately titled this post, “Thank heavens 2014 is in the books! I’m glad to see it go.” But I’ve decided that it’s best to look forward to the year ahead rather than focus on the year that is now (almost) behind us. I’ve mentioned this before but last January I felt God saying to me that 2014 was going to be the year of waiting. I had no idea what he meant by that but I’ll be the first to admit that the idea was a little unsettling to me. I, like many others, do not like to wait.

When we found out we were pregnant with our second baby (that I would later miscarry) in February, I thought that perhaps what God meant by “a year of waiting” was that I would spend most of the year pregnant and would be waiting for a child to be born. “What a joyful way to wait! This isn’t going to be so bad after all!” I thought to myself. but when we found out we miscarried at our 12 week appointment at the end of April, I realized that the year of waiting I had hoped God had planned for me wasn’t really the type of waiting He had in mind.

I picked the words DISCIPLINE and PATIENCE to guide my year. Oh, how I’m thankful that I did because without those two words in the back of my mind, I’m not sure I would have had the fortitude or strength to see what else God had planned for the remainder of 2014.

I asked myself in the weeks after our second miscarriage if I had the strength to move forward and continue to try to have a biological child of our very own. The physical and emotional pain felt like too much on my worst days and the idea of doing it all over again, risking experiencing another miscarriage, seemed like more than I could handle. I debated throwing in the towel and giving up on that dream, pursuing other methods of starting a family. I asked questions like, “If I never have a child of my own, is God still enough for me?” I wrestled and grew and heard the voice of God telling me that it was too soon to give up on that dream.

We moved along in the year to find out in June that we were expecting another baby. I’ve documented our miraculous journey on this blog and been blessed by your prayers in so many ways. I listened to doctors tell me my baby wasn’t actually a baby at all and that I should schedule a surgery to remove it. Against all medical odds, I prayed (and you prayed!) for a miracle and God showed up in the most amazing way, blessing us with a healthy baby that defied all medical explanation.

For the first 20 weeks I lived in constant fear and anxiety that our little one would be taken away from us, like our other two babies had. I prayed and avoided Google and trusted that God knew what he was doing. At 19 weeks we were told our little one had an umbilical cord issue that perhaps and issue with his/her heart. Fear gripped me again as we waited to see a specialist and find out if our little one was healthy. We praised God yet again after we found out that our precious baby was as healthy as could be and that their heart was functioning normally. Once again, God showed up even when I doubted.

In September we found out that my company, under pressure from a lagging economy, was going to lay off 800 people in our corporate headquarters. My goodness, the number and magnitude took us all by surprise. We waited for weeks upon weeks to find out about our individual job statuses, and at the beginning of December, just after Thanksgiving, I found out that my job, along with almost all of my co-worker’s jobs, was eliminated. At 30 weeks pregnant I struggled to think of worse timing to get such news, but I am once again putting my trust in God’s timing and plan for my life.

So I sit here on December 31st, thankful that 2014 is coming to a close but amazed at the ways that I can see and sense I’ve grown throughout this year. I can safely say that 2014 was, indeed, a year of waiting, and I have more questions at the end of 2014 than I did at the beginning. I’m bringing my questions, my uncertainty, my fears to the feet of our sweet Jesus, asking him to reveal himself to me in the year to come. Already I’ve felt God saying to me that 2015 would be the year I see the Lord. As with the year of waiting, I don’t entirely know what that means but I’m so ready to move into a new season.

Madison

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18 Comments

  • Reply Fred Smith December 31, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    1 Peter 5:7 – “Cast all your anxiety onto Him, because He cares for you.”

    2015 will bring you your greatest joy – being a parent myself, I can tell you that everything else in your life that stresses you out and shakes your faith (employment, the economy – even the world at large) becomes only white noise when you see your child. Your baby will give you more strength than you know. From that, you’ll make 2015 your best year ever, if nothing else because your two has become three.

    Good luck and God’s blessings on a New Year!

  • Reply ali grace December 31, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I have been so encouraged by your openness and your willingness to share with us as you continue to trust the Lord in difficult circumstances. Hope 2015 is a year of joy for you and your family!
    “But this I call to mind and therefore have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.” Lam 3:21-23

  • Reply Nikki December 31, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    I am so sorry to hear that your job is being eliminated! I too was laid off from my job in October 2013, the month my daughter turned one. It was scary, but a small blessing that I was able to be home with my daughter and also determine if being a “stay at home mom” was for me. My time with my daughter was very valuable, but I learned being a stay at home mom was not for me, at least not full time. I worked for the post office delivering mail for 6 months, which was an adventure to say the least. Finally in November, God lead me to a job a really love. Better than all my other jobs! I pray God will bring you peace in this time of transition as He truly will take care of you, no matter what comes your way.

    Nikki – http://www.thedietitiandiaries.com

  • Reply Amanda December 31, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Madison, you’re so incredibly strong. I’ve followed your journey for some time now (praying for Baby H before Baby H was here!) and you’re astounding.

    I read through Daniel this year and was smacked in the face when I read chapter 3. As Meshach and Abednego were about the be thrown into the furnace, the told King Nebuchadnezzar that their God would save them from the flames. BUT…then they said, “But even if He doesn’t…” He was still their Lord even if He chose not to save them.

    I think that’s you. It’s been so encouraging to hear you say “But even if He doesn’t.” I know it’s not always felt that way and the journey hasn’t been some beautiful profession of faith and absence of doubt…but I don’t think anyone’s journey is like that. I’m sure Meshach and Abednego were still shaking in their boots, wondering if and when God would show up. But even in their times of darkness, fear and doubt they knew that God is the Lord of all.

    Thank you for being so obedient and for setting a real example of what faith in God is–especially the doubt and frustration part. You’re beautiful and strong and amazing, lady! Praying for an incredible and refreshing 2015 for you (and the Gators!)! xo

  • Reply taylor @ greens & chocolate December 31, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Madison,
    Your faith is so inspiring and I always look forward to each new post of yours. My heart has ached for you and rejoiced for you during this trying year and am so excited for your new journey in 2015. No matter what, it will all work out in the end and I truly believe that will be the case with your career as well.

    xo,
    Taylor

  • Reply Katie December 31, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    thank you for sharing your journey this year so openly and eloquently. So sorry to hear the news about your job and sending you and your family the very best wishes for the year ahead.

  • Reply shanna mallon December 31, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    I can’t believe I’m writing this in a blog comment but we just found out yesterday that Tim’s losing his job, too. There are still some possibilities that his company will rebound and he can go back, but for now we are one income… and not the one we were expecting to be on after the baby came! Reading your post right now is super comforting to me because it reminds me that other pregnant people have faced layoffs before and that there is nothing new under the sun and that God must know what He’s doing to be allowing it to happen to both of us. I know He is good in everything He sends and I know the timing is not an accident. Still though! Hanging on to him moment by moment.

  • Reply Laura December 31, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Thank you for sharing, Madison. Your journey has been such an encouragement to me. I have really been wrestling with the question, “If I never have a child of my own, is God still enough for me?” I’m certainly still working through that one.
    Praising God for His work in your life!

  • Reply Rachel December 31, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you have had such a rough year – God certainly is testing you and you have amazing strength and faith. I think it is wonderful for you to share your journey with others and help inspire others to get through some of those rough times. Reading this made me realize I was not alone this year in being SO ready for it to be over, and while our challenges were very different and yours were on a whole other level (I absolutely cannot imagine what it was like going through two miscarriages), it is nice to know you aren’t the only one sometimes. I truly hope you have an amazing, wonderful 2015! Happy New Year!

  • Reply Urban Wife January 1, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Madison, I’m so sorry to hear about your job being eliminated. I’ll be praying that God gives you the strength and clarity to know His will in that situation. Your journey this past year has been such an amazing testimony to me (and surely to so many others!) of someone who has gone through trials by fire and come out with a stronger faith. Thank you for sharing so honestly with us! xoxo

  • Reply jillian January 1, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    Im so sorry to hear about the layoff. i truly believe that things happen for a reason and you WILL find another job if that is what you want. I got laid off a few years ago and it really shook me up but I ended up finding another job at a MUCH better company, doing what I want AND making more money. good luck to you in 2015! xo jillian

  • Reply Bridget Black January 2, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    Oh! I’m sorry, Madison. Praying for you and Joe and that little one…. may God guide you to what He is calling for you in this phase and for peace during it!! Hope you had a very Merry Christmas! What a great time for the reminder of God’s love for us in Christmas and to what measure He is willing to go to prove His love and promises!!

  • Reply Rachel {the avid appetite} January 2, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    always beautifully said! i have been reading about your journey from the beginning and always look forward to your updates. so thrilled for you and your family. ugh…so sorry to hear about your job : never easy. my husband went through something similar, and it was very tough, but we got through it to a good 2014. always sending you my best!

  • Reply DessertForTwo January 2, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Oh, Madison! This has been quite a year for you. I’m so overjoyed that you have this little miracle baby in your belly that you will get to meet very soon! I’m so sorry to hear about your job news. How do you feel about it now, a month later? At least you can take as much maternity leave as you need, right? Are you planning on looking for work again? You obviously don’t have to answer these personal questions.
    We will continue to pray for your little growing family šŸ™‚ You guys are strong. You will make it through this. And pretty soon, baby will be here! Oh, the joy!

  • Reply Joanna January 2, 2015 at 10:48 pm

    First, I’m so sorry you lost your job, but in the context of this post, where you can point to everything that happened and see God holding you, I can’t help but feel optimistic that he has something even greater for you job-wise.

    Second, I’ve been so encouraged by the way you’ve pursued God during this hard year. Over and over again you’ve been real about how your life isn’t easy, your trials aren’t small, and your God isn’t a band-aid. Thank you for doing that.

    Last, YAY BABY!

  • Reply Oakland Avenue January 5, 2015 at 1:41 am

    As always, beautifully written and inspiring friend. I’m so proud of the way you continue to share your story with openess and honesty. Traveling through these trials is alway easier said than done, but you truly are doing a wonderful job of trusting God’s guidance and looking to him for wisdom and perspective. Thanks for letting him work through you and your words – praying for all the blessings to come in 2015!

  • Reply Elisabeth Donovan January 9, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    I was actually looking at your blog because I was curious about Stitch Fix. That said I wanted to share that the company I worked for went out of business when I was 7 months pregnant. My family’s health insurance was through that company. So I completely understand that moment of panic and then the ongoing worrying. I will say that it was a blessing in disguise. God took care of my family in so many ways. Since I was unemployed I went on Medicaid that covered all my OB bills and hospital bills. The reimbursement from my OB covered our mortgage one month. We had our carpets cleaned prior to our baby girl’s arrival and ended up leaking water all over our downstairs neighbor. The cleaning company’s reimbursement for that mess covered our next mortgage payment. I’m now working in a new job I love and our baby girl is such a blessing. It’s amazing to look back on 2014 and see how God had His hand in every problem I panicked about…using them to provide for our family in ways I never expected. I pray your 2015 is just as wonderful as our 2014 was.

  • Reply jennifer prod February 19, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    oh sweet girl, my heart breaks for you and your story of miscarriage. we learned about our miscarriage at our 11 week ultrasound (last december) and then found out that the miscarriage caused an infection in my blood – which meant we had to wait another 6 months to start trying again. but, good news? we’re both have little babes very, very soon <3 also: i look back at the hard experience and am ever grateful that it helps me connect to other women experiencing similar things <3

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