Family

We Can’t Have It All (and that’s OK)

May 24, 2016

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I spent a lot of time while pregnant with Ainsley trying to figure out how I was going to “have it all” as a working mom, wife, friend and blogger. I read articles and strategized and figured that those who didn’t have it all were just bad at time management and prioritization. After all, we’re told that we can have it all everywhere we turn, right?

But now, 15 months into this mothering gig, I’ve realized that just simply isn’t true. I don’t say that to be discouraging to those who haven’t yet had kids, or to those with little ones who are in the same stage as me, but to set the bar a little differently when you’re pulled in many directions.

Now that’s not to say that you can’t be satisfied, creatively inspired, healthy, balanced and energized once you become a mom. You absolutely can! (Okay, I lie, you’ll probably always be a tiny or a lot a bit tired.) But for quite some time, the myth of having it all was pushing me further and further away from balance and satisfaction I craved.

In the name of having it all, I’ve…

// said yes to more commitments than I had the time for because I wanted to be a good friend, to develop more relationships, or be more connected.

// worked out more than necessary because I was pursuing an unhealthy ideal.

// took on too many work projects because I was afraid to let a good freelance gig pass me by.

// spent too much on clothing because I wanted to look the part.

// been too distracted by my phone and “getting stuff done” rather than focusing on the blessings that were right in front of me.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are some things that need to be done, and other things that would simply be nice to have done but aren’t a necessity. Joe and I have been working on continually refining what “necessary” means for our family, and how we can let the less pressing things slide to the wayside. And by doing so? We’ve been creating more room in our lives for “having it all” and by “all” I mean balance.

Practically speaking, what does that look like? 

// Well, for starters, I’ve been letting go of my ideal of a perfectly clean house. I will never be comfortable with a messy house, but my floor boards might be a little dusty and my windows may need to be washed a bit more frequently, and that’s OK. We also purchased a Roomba vacuum, so that’s one less task that I need to do on a daily or weekly basis. I’m still working on convincing Joe that having someone come clean our house once a month is a good idea. 😉

//I’ve realized I needed a little more time to work. This means less time during the week with Ainsley, but in striving for balance my hope is that having 30 hours of childcare this summer will allow me to fully engage in the work I love to do, but also allow me to be completely disconnected during the hours that I’m with Ainsley. And while it might be an unpopular opinion in some circles, I’ve realized this year that I love to work and feel called to use my talents in the workforce. For me, having it all means a bit MORE time with Ainsley that a 40 hour/week job might allow, but it certainly still includes a fair amount of work.

// Weekly date night has become a priority. Although Joe and I are really happy to binge on Netflix together after Ainsley goes to bed, we’re looking to add some more intentionality to our time together by implementing weekly date night. We’re not talking elaborate dates every week, maybe it’s as simple as getting out to go play tennis together or grab a pizza, but we’re committed to dating one another and keeping our marriage a priority.

// Moving my body is essential, but I’m working out smart. I was really struggling with how to manage my schedule and find time to work out and shower each day. I work better when I’m put together, but most of the time I don’t really want to get ready if I know I’m going to workout later in the day. So even though I dislike it at the time, I’ve been working out first thing in the morning, showering and having breakfast before Ainsley wakes up. It opens up my whole day! And I’m more focused and productive in all areas when I start the day with a good sweat session and put myself together. That said, I’ve found I can be in the best shape of my life while working out LESS than ever before. It’s totally possible thanks to the intense but short at-home workouts my sister-in-law introduced me to! 

For me, having it all has been about re-evaluating what is important to me and what isn’t. As much as I desire to be all things to all people, I’ve been realizing how finite my time and resources are. So instead of having more, I’m focusing on being more satisfied by having less. It’s a work in progress, that’s for sure, but it’s a goal worth pursuing!

Madison

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3 Comments

  • Reply Kelsey De Jong May 25, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Good advice, thanks for sharing! And it’s true, we can’t have it all. We have to prioritize what we want to be most important, so good job for doing that!

  • Reply NSU May 26, 2016 at 8:01 pm

    I think, rather than saying “Mom’s Can’t Have It All” this is about redefining “all” once you’ve become a mom. That’s different for everyone, but your idea of “balance” is, to you, having it all.
    I also wish this wasn’t a mom-specific thing. I have a more demanding job than my husband (and am the primary breadwinner), so he is making more work-related sacrifices than I am sometimes.
    It’s much more helpful to say Parents/couples/families have to come to a new notion of “having it all”. The idea that having a child wouldn’t change what that means is hopefully not an illusion a prospective parent has, but what kids add to our lives is, IMO, much, much more than what they take away.

  • Reply NSU May 26, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    PS Good for you for acknowledging that you can/should/want to work! We are lucky if we have a choice, but I know I am a better mom because I’m not a full time mom.

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