For a while I got into a really good rhythm of writing authentically, saying what I was really thinking and feeling and processing. And then, a handful a months ago, I fell out of that rhythm for one reason or another. It’s not that I’m intentionally keeping anything from this site or not saying what I mean to say, but the truth is that this pregnancy has been all-consuming. The rocky beginning that shook us to the core, the desperate pleas for prayer and more prayer, the waiting between weekly appointments, the awe of the miracle God performed, holding our breath not knowing what the next week held, week after week, in all of its uncertainty.
I told myself for weeks that once we got out of the first trimester I would breath deeply and relish in the beauty of pregnancy, but anyone who’s been fearful of something can tell you there isn’t a magic point when the fear subsides. Instead, that fear is replaced with another fear, another fixation, another date on the calendar. I’ve been doing it, too. After the first trimester ended there was the next appointment, and then the 19 week ultrasound, followed by the appointment with the specialist. I told myself I would feel more peace and breath a sigh of relief after each milestone I placed on the calendar. But the truth is, I replaced once fear for another, one milestone for the next.
As I look at my thoughts and my behaviors I’m embarrassed. God has been so faithful to us and done such a miracle in this pregnancy! He’s led us through tough times in our marriage and our careers and through times of uncertainty, and yet I sit back at where I started, filled with doubt and uncertainty, wringing my hands and feeling fearful of what comes next. Even to me, when I look at it logically, it seems silly and petty and immature.
It’s times like these that I’m thankful for a God who offers forgiveness and grace in my weakness and doesn’t give up on me, time and time again. No matter how many times I have to learn and re-learn the same dang lesson, we worship a God that’s faithful and patient enough to overlook those weaknesses and give us another go at it. So if today, you find yourself stumbling over the same lesson you learned a thousand times before, don’t be discouraged. Take heart that we can come to God time and time again, no matter how many times we’ve done so before.